I'm a local artist from the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia & the most important things to me are God and family. I struggle with severe PTSD that emerged after a period of domestic violence in 2008. I have since re-married and have found physical safety and a dependable love with my husband, Doug. However, the scars from my past can be unrelenting.
After the violent events that happened from 2006 to 2008 I underwent intensive therapy and I was able to resume a somewhat normal life. I worked as a certified massage therapist with a local doctor who specialized in pain treatment and chiropractic medicine. In 2012, I accepted a position as the Clinical Internship Director at Steiner's Virginia School of Massage Therapy & Esthetics in Charlottesville, Virginia. I was assisted by my service dog, Cookie every day which helped me to be successful in my position.
In 2014, I married a wonderful man who has made it his life's purpose to help me maintain peace in myself and to learn how to trust again and how to feel safe. After I experienced two extremely painful losses of loved ones who were paramount to my life, the more complex symptoms of PTSD began to resurface. In 2017, even the assistance of my service dog did very little to help me to cope and maintain my workload. Life stopped feeling normal. I stopped feeling normal. And everything in my world grinded to a complete halt.
One of the most terrifying symptoms of this disorder are the unpredictable and disabling episodes of derealization/depersonalization. Even just thinking about it can trigger a panic attack. It has been my experience that these episodes are not situation dependent. I can just be sitting on the couch watching television and it will happen. The fear of this happening to me keeps me anchored in my house to the degree that I have become uncomfortably close to a shut in. I cannot even describe the horrific sensation that overtakes me in those moments. It is a disabling experience that I will do just about anything to prevent. I don't risk going places in public for fear that other people will witness it and I will be humiliated again.
Because my breakdown came on so quickly and was so debilitating that for more than six months I was unable to leave my home on my own. I couldn't drive, I couldn't focus and I couldn't work. My job was a 90 minute commute each way and I had become unable to drive myself anywhere at that point. I couldn't even manage to drive across town for my therapy appointments. My husband had to take time off from work to drive me. I knew at that point there was no way I could manage driving myself to work anymore at least for the foreseeable future. I was forced to take medical leave to try to get myself into a better place mentally and physically.
After many long months of intense emotional & behavioral therapy accompanied by lifestyle modifications, slowly my life started to come back into focus but it was clear that functionally speaking I was living with a brand new set of limitations. My therapist made the determination that it was likely that I would not be able to resume my old life. My doll work throughout my treatment was an integral part of my daily life during the time of my debilitation. My therapist helped me to learn how to use my art to bring balance into my mind and body. This period eventually translated into my becoming a full-time artist when I was ultimately unable to return to my position as Director of Clinical Internship at VASOM in Charlottesville, Virginia.
God is so very good and I know that it is Him that gives me the strength to continually move forward and live my life. I am so thankful that He has blessed me in this work. I am so thankful that I am able to work from my home. It gives me the dignity of providing for my family while also honoring my limitations. I believe in my heart that the trauma and the brokeness was used by God to bring me into a more peaceful place in my life. I feel very blessed and humbled that God continually brings people to me who will experience joy, peace and healing through my work.
